From Behind The Veil
by sailoranime
Summary: Parody of the fics where the character that died in OotP comes back to life. Harry, with his righteous anger, and the dancing chili. Chapter 7: Harry forgets Sirius came back to life, Sirius steals a bright idea, and an old friend is revived.
1. Back from the unknown: The chili Beans

From Behind the Veil  
  
By: Sailoranime  
  
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Disclaimer: I think you know. OF COURSE, I'm J.K. in disguise.  
  
AN: Don't know why I wrote that... I was feeling a bit cynical. Maybe that's it. I'd like to thank everyone at the Neopets chat boards who gave me their opinion on this yesterday weh I posted it there. ^_^  
  
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Harry's heart was heavy with emotion as he entered the Department of Mysteries. His stomach was heavy with the chili he had stolen from Dudley's plate that morning. Yet, Harry felt good. The order, along with Harry and his friends had been allowed to go visit the DoM and say their last goodbyes to Sirius. Something like a funeral. Dumbledore turned to Harry.  
  
" Are you sure you're alright, Harry?" he asked, his eyes missing their usual twinkle. Harry nodded. Did Dumbledore think he was going to burst into tears or something? The worst thing that could happen might be him running out of the room to go to the bathroom. He was really regretting that chili. Finally, they reached the room with the archway and the veil. Harry wondered if they ever washed the veil. Probably not. It looked pretty dirty and battered. Dumbledore motioned for all of them to stand in a half cirlce a few feet in front of the veil.  
  
" Well Sirius, look how many people turned up for this." Dumbledore began, " All these people are here because they've been mourning your death. In fact, I got a few owls from women asking for an invitation, but I had to refuse, After all, this room isn't large enough to acommodate them all." This got a few chuckles.  
  
" Sirius, I can't believe you left," Lupin spoke, " You won't believe all the slash authors that are writing about me not realizing my feelings for you until you kicked the bucket. They're having a field day!"  
  
" I regret what I implied before." Now it was Mrs. Weasley's turn." You weren't an irresponsible godfather. You were just really reckless."  
  
Hermione was about to speak, but Dumbledore raised a hand. Harry could hear voices from behind the veil. At first they were muffled, but then they grew louder. Harry could almost make out what the person was saying.  
  
" ... Be back some day.... might have to wait a while... miss me... I know." It was like this for a minute, but then the voice became clear.   
  
" Well, save me a seat anyhow." Harry's eyes widened. He recognized that voice! But it couldn't be....! Could it....?  
  
" We will, Siri." a happy voice chirped from behind the veil.   
  
Harry watched in shock as his godfather stepped from behind the veil, A brunette clinging to his right arm and a rehead on the other. The girls each gave Sirius a smile and quick kiss on the cheek and walked back into the veil.  
  
" Sirius?" Harry asked, incredulously. The chili was having a party in his stomach now.  
  
" Harry!"  
  
" You're dead!" Harry croaked, or rather, Harry said in a croaky voice. Otherwise he'd be dead, you see.  
  
" I'm back!" Sirius exclaimed.  
  
" I CRIED for you!" Harry said in an accusatory tone, as if he'd been cheated.  
  
" It means you love me."  
  
" But you needed to die. It gives me righteous anger! I need to think I indirectly killed you so I can kill Voldemort wihtout regrets. You were sacrificed for the sake of the plot!"  
  
" Him being evil doesn't justify killing him?" Sirius asked thoughtfully.  
  
" Well, apprently not,"  
  
" Says who?" Sirius asked with a frown. Harry shrugged.  
  
" A higher power."   
  
" Okay, Aren't you happy I'm back?"  
  
" Yeah... but how... how did you do it?"  
  
" Well, Harry, I think that will need to be explained later. Perhaps in your 7th year."  
  
" But why?"  
  
" 'cause you have to wait."  
  
" Says who?" Harry demanded.  
  
" A higher power."  
  
" Why is it everyone else knows more about my life than I do?" Harry whined.  
  
" Because of the higher power"  
  
"This higher power is getting on my nerves."  
  
"I think the higher power is getting on all our nerves." Sirius answered sagely.  
  
"So what's next? Are you staying?"  
  
"Well, I'm not sure. We'll find out in a couple of years, I think. When the higher power finishes writing. But for now, I'll be here for as long as I can avoid getting myself killed. " Harry nodded his understanding.  
  
"So how was it... you know... there?"  
  
"Well, kind of warm, if you ask me... Oh! You mean heaven! It was ok." Sirius answered as Harry ran to him, almost knocking him back into the veil, and gave him a hug. Sirius returned it.  
  
Finally, all the others recovered from their state of shock. Most of them now had tears in their eyes at seeing Harry and Sirius re-united. Even Lupin ran towards them and joined the hug, knocking Kreacher, who had suddenly appeared there, into the veil. Dumbledore casted an ancient spell onto the veil so no one else could come out.  
  
Dumbledore was the first to speak.  
  
" Sirius, you do realize you are in the Ministry of Magic? And that they are still hunting for you?" Sirius shrugged.  
  
" Well, just turn something into a portkey and send me to Hogwarts or something."  
  
" I would do that, but Fudge is still a little jumpy about me. He'll find out and try to put me in Azkaban for it... though that would be a good plot twist..."  
  
" Fine. I'll apparate to Grimmauld place..." Sirius said with a scowl. Harry looked at them a bit confused.  
  
" But what about my righteous anger? Now I don't feel like killing Voldemort. Sure, he slaughtered my parents and taunted me about it, but they're like stangers to me. I do love them on some level, but not enough to commit murder for them."  
  
" What do you mean you don't love them enough to commit murder? You were about to kill me when you thought I had betrayed them! " Sirius yelped.  
  
" Well, that's cause you were their friend. But Voldemort was their enemy who just happened to succeed in his goal of killing them. It's totally different. Plus I thought there was something 'villain-ey' about you..." Harry reasoned. Sirius shrugged.  
  
" Righteous anger... of course. You coming back may prove to be a bad thing, Sirius. " Dumbledore said. Harry nodded. Sirius looked offended.  
  
" I'll just go back in if you want," Sirius said sarcastically. Then his expression changed to one of thoughtfulness. " Though those girls did offer to do a stripte... never mind." he said as Mrs. Weasley glared at him. Mr. Weasley was wearing an amused expression, Lupin and Moody both looked envious, Moody sinisterly do, and Mundungus was clearly contemplating how stupid he would sound if he asked Sirius if he could have their addresses. Harry shrugged.  
  
" I wanna go with Sirius." he said quickly. " I've been at the Dursley's for 5 weeks already, isn't it about time I leave them?" Dumbledore nodded.   
  
" Yes, of course. I'll make a portkey then-" He was interrupted by Harry.  
  
" Sorry professor. I always exit in a very comical and unexpected fashion. I think I'll have to go back for a couple of hours and then Sirius and Professor Lupin can bust in and rescue me. I think that's about the only thing that would outdo my exit in my third and 4th years." Sirius nodded eagerly.  
  
" Yeah! We can do that! Well, I'd better get going. Gotta plan the kidnapping... err... rescue mission." he said, and and made to apparate away. Harry grinned.  
  
" Wait, Sirius. Let me just inform you. Pettigrew is going to be caught a few weeks into term, and you will go to trial with him and be cleared. You will, of course, get your hopes up about Harry living with you, but I will need to remind you about the...circumstances. In the end, however, we will work out something about Harry staying with the Dursleys for most of the summer, but going home with you during the holidays." Everyone stared at him oddly.   
  
" What do you expect? I'm Trelawny's father. Why else do you think I keep her around? To make sure I'm the only one she makes prophecies about Voldemort to?" he said, opening a whole new world of possibilities.  
  
" No wonder you knew about me stealing Dung's Playboy!" Fred burst out, but quickly regretted it as everyone looked shocked. Sirius waved a hand impatiently.  
  
" Okay, he's a boy with hormones. Who cares? Can I go now?" Harry bit his lip.  
  
" But what about my righteous anger?!" he almost screamed. Dumbledore looked thoughtful.  
  
" Perhaps we can put one of your friends in danger next time you encounter Voldemort."  
  
" Not Hermione or Ron." Harry said quickly. Hermione gave small squeak of happiness and ran to give Harry a hug. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Voldemort apparated. He stuck his leg out and tripped Hermione, causing her to fall into the veil. Only part of her leg was visible now. Dumbledore gave it a discreet kick and it disappeared behind the veil too as Voldemort laughed like a maniac and diapparated.  
  
" There's your righteous anger, Harry." Ron said, still looking at the veil. Harry nodded.   
  
" Fair enough. We should go now so I can get home and dwell on the fact that one of my friends died because I needed righteous anger." Harry said, the others nodded and Sirius disapparated. Harry wished the chili would stop doing the tango in his stomach.  
  
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AN: Okay, flames are accepted. I will probably delete this because I can't actually believe I wrote it. ^_^ Please R&R, Flames are okay.. I guess. This will probably be a one shot, unless I start being cynical again. ^_^ lol. 


	2. Why isn't Sirius here? I wonder what tha...

Parody 

From Behind the Veil 

_By: Sailoranime_

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Disclaimer: I think you know. OF COURSE, I'm J.K. in disguise. 

AN: I'm sorry I wrote a second chapter. Really, I am. I'm not sure what made me do it. Maybe it was the sleep depravation thing... *yawns* I started school last week. This actually took me more than a week to finish. I'm serious. I would write a paragraph, and then I'd start doing something else, or playing games.*sigh* 

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" I can't believe Hermione's gone, it's all my fault. Just because I need righteous anger! I should have kept my mouth shut!" Harry sobbed into his pillow. He heard a loud crash that shook the floor. It sounded from somewhere downstairs... Harry ignored it, sniffling. Hermione was gone. He sighed, as he heard screams downstairs. The Dursley's were proably talking about him now... That's probably why Uncle Vernon kept yelling ' Get out of my house, you freaks!'. He sighed again. 

Two hours later, the yelling had not stopped. Now Uncle Vernon was now yelling something about 'You un-natural freaks, just take the freak boy and leave.' He wondered why Sirius hadn't arrived yet.... 

Half an hour later, the screaming had subsided, and Harry assumed it was safe to go to dinner. He walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, helping himself to more food than he was going to eat. Maybe it would piss them off enough to yell at him and then Sirius would have an excuse to hex them, but they just looked at him nervously, their eyes darting to the couch every once in a while. Harry ate quickly and quietly, fuming at Sirius for being late. Someone coughed from the couch, and a soft voice offered him a cough drop. How odd. Harry rinsed his plate and walked back up to his room, jumping over several rather large bits of debris and rubble. How very odd. 

He stayed in his room for at least an hour, doing his homework. Sirius hadn't come yet. He frowned and put away his homework. Maybe Sirius would come tomorrow. 

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Harry woke up to more screaming. ( Just leave, freaks!) He sighed. He resisted the srong urge to go downstairs and tell them he would be leaving soon, but Sirius hadn't arrived. He sighed and took out a piece of parchment and a quill. 

_Dear Sirius, _

I know you're probably busy, but are you planning on getting here anytime soon? It's getting a bit boring. 

Love, 

Harry 

He rolled up the letter and went over to tie it to Hedwig. She seemed to raise an eyebrow at him, but she was an owl... she couldn't do that. Harry shook his head to clear it and tied the letter to her leg. 

" Go take it to Sirius, girl. Come on." She hooted and flew out the window. Harry moved back to the bed. Somewhere in his mind, the fact that uncle Vernon had stopped screaming registered in his mind. Oh, well. Nothing to do now but wait. He closed his eyes, only to open them away when Hedwig landed on his soulder, letter missing. He groaned. 

" Did you drop it, girl?" he asked. She looked at him questionigly. " Whatever. Let me write another one for him." he grumbled. He took out another piece of parchment and re-wrote the letter. He tied to it to Hedwig's leg again, and sent her back out the window. She looked oddly irritated. 

Harry sighed, registering somewhere in his mind that unlce Vernon was screaming again. (Owls! A quill? Take a pen! Now get out!") 

It was about 5 minutes later that Hedwig came back, a piece of paper tied to her leg. He frowned. Paper? He unfolded the paper and looked at the writing. It was Professor Lupin's writing, but in pen. Odd. 

_Harry, _

We're here. Are you coming down soon? 

-Lupin 

Harry frowned. They were already there? Why hadn't he heard them arrive? He shrugged and ran downstairs. The rubble was still on the floor. The Dursley's were usually very clean... And there, sitting on the sofa, were Sirius, Lupin, and Dumbledore. Sirius grinned. 

" Hey, Harry, we've been waiting for you!" 

Dumbledore smiled. " Lemon drop? It's a muggle sweet I'm quite fond... oh, right, wrong story." Harry gave him an odd look and turned to Sirius. 

" I didn't hear you guys get here. I must have been asleep." Harry, still under the impression that they had just arrived, answered. Sirius looked confused, but shrugged it off. 

" Okay. Let's go before I start feeling obligated to hex these people." Harry looked appalled. 

" But... My explosive exit! We have to do it right!" Dumbledore looked hesitant, but he raised his wand, sparks shot out of it, and the living room was back to normal. 

" How do sparks fix the house?" Harry asked with a confused look on his face. 

" There are many mysteries in life, Harry," Dumbledore began, " but this is not one of them. The sparks are just to make it look fancy. Well, Sirius, Remus. Follow me." he commanded, and seeing as he is Dumbledore, Sirius and Lupin followed. 

Harry ran back up the stairs, but stopped midway so he could peek and see what was going on. He saw the dooor blasted in, and Sirius's bored face was quickly manipulated into a joyful expression. 

" Harry! We're here! Come on!" 

Harry, taking this as his cue, stood up and ran down the stairs, throwing himself into Sirius's open arms. 

" Great! I can't wait to get out of here! I wasn't expecting you yet!" Sirius grinned at him and looked at Lupin expectantly. 

" What?" asked the startled Lupin, then a look of comprehension came over his features. " Oh! Right. I'll go pack your stuff, Harry." Harry nodded. Two minutes later, Lupin came down, levitating Harry's trunk and things. 

" All right, then. We're all set! I'll make a portkey." Dumbledore said joyfully. 

" Sorry, but I don't do portkeys. And anyway, I'm not sure I trust you. You had a triumphant gleam in your eyes in my fourth year when I told you Voldemort's servant stabbed me." Dumbledore looked confused for a moment, but his expression quickly changed to one of delight. 

" Ah... yes. I see how you could misunderstand that. You see, I had a bet with Mr. Pettigrew. That particular knife he used to stab you was one that I gave him years ago. We had a small bet. He thought it wouldn't pierce someone's skin, but I was certain it could, so we made a bet. Whichever one of us lost would have to watch 24 straight hours of Teletubbies. We were going to test it, but then Voldemort killed your parents, and you know the story. Anyway, as you can probably tell, he lost the bet. Why do you think he didn't make an appearance last year? He's afraid I still remember." 

" That makes no sense. And how do you know he used that particular knife?" Harry asked. 

" Well, I knew from your description of the appearance of the knife-" 

" I didn't describe it! I didn't even see it!" Harry said accusingly. Dumbledore looked afronted. 

" Ah, well, I'm your headmaster! You must trust me." And because he was Dumbledore, they did. He turned around, and with a flick of his wand, repaired the living room again. He then turned the house into a portkey, (You won't be needing it) and blasted the Dursley's out (Enjoy nature!). And they disappeared to the Sahara desert. But that's another story. 

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I'm done. This really was fun writing, and helped me with my writers block. I have to write something for school, so today wasn't the best day for it to kick in. Anyway, I didn't find this nearly as funny as the first part. I don't know... it seemed a little more dull. Did anyone notice all the different writing styles I used in these two chapters? It's weird, because I hadn't noticed, but my friend did, that's why I mention it. Well, I guess that's it. Review? Please? *hands out virtual cookies* 


	3. Killing the story

From Behind the Veil  
  
By: Sailoranime  
  
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Disclaimer: I think you know. OF COURSE, I'm J.K. in disguise.  
  
AN: Er... no comment. I have no excuse for continuing this.  
  
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Number 12, Grimmauld place was quiet. Well, as quiet as it could be with Mrs. Black screaming at Tonks, Mundungus, Moody, and the Weasley's to get up from the couch and get out. In a sudden flash of light, which actually came from lightning from the ceiling where Pikachu was sitting on a chandelier, Harry, Sirius, Lupin, and Dumbledore appeared. The former three looking very raggedy and bloody, and Dumbledore looking... well... Dumbledorish. Everyone jumped off the couch and ran to the other three.  
  
" What happened?" Mrs. Weasley was asking while frantically examining Dumbledore, the only one who wasn't injured.   
  
" You left over a week ago to get Harry, and you just didn't come back!" Tonks exclaimed. Lupin sighed heavily.  
  
" It involves the Sahara dessert." he said simply.  
  
" And portkeys." Harry put in.  
  
" Well, what happened????" Mrs. Weasley almost screamed. Dumbledore was strangely silent.  
  
" Well," Harry began, " They went to go get me and Professor Dumbledore-" Sirius kicked him.  
  
" Harry! You're not supposed to say! This is like the night your parents died, it will forever be sorrounded by speculation and shrouded in mystery." Sirius told him wisely.   
  
" Well, that's stupid." Harry retorted, but shrugged and did not insist on asking questions. After all, he's the boy who never wonders about his parents birthdays and never thinks about what they did for a living when they were... you know, living.  
  
" Well, we're glad you're all here!" Mrs. Weasley said, turning to give Dumbledore a nasty look. Dumbledore, however, had vanished. Hedwig, though, was sitting the dresser Dumbledore had been leaning on. They all shrugged and Molly ran to the kitchen to make dinner for everyone. Ron walked over to Harry.  
  
" So what REALLY happened?"  
  
No answer.  
  
" Harry, you're not going to keep secrets from me, are you? You ARE going to tell me what happened, right?"   
  
" No."  
  
" Well, FINE THEN! HERMIONE AND I HAVE BEEN DATING SECRETELY SINCE LAST SO SUMMER, SO HA!" Harry was shocked. He had believed all their whispering and mettings that didn't include him had been because they were admiring his very athletic body that had come from 4 years of playing quidditch. Oh, what a blow it was.  
  
" WELL... WELL... um... YOU'RE A SUCKY KEEPER!" And with that, Harry stormed upstairs. After all, he hadn't brooded over Hermione's death properly yet.   
  
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Harry heard knocking on his door.   
  
" Come in!" he said, after sticking a time turner under his pillow. Lupin came in slowly.  
  
" Hey, I heard about your fight with Ron." he said softly. Harry looked confused.  
  
" I think everyone heard. I've been waiting for Sirius to come up to comfort me for at least an hour."  
  
" Well, he's a little busy arguing with Dumbledore. Apparently, he expected his revival to be a little more complicated and he said he thought it would include a time turner. He says he wants a do-over."  
  
" Oh. Well, see, I think I'm just subconsciously hostile towards Ron because I'm afraid he'll become team captain instead of me next year. That's be hard to cope with, you know, Remus?" Lupin looked shocked.  
  
" Who told you that you should call me Remus?" Lupin demanded. Sirius bounced into the room.  
  
" Loosen up, Remmy." Sirius answered in that slightly slashy or brotherly way that is the basis for so many RL/SB stories.  
  
" But Sirius-"  
  
" He calls me Sirius, why can't he call you Remus?"  
  
" I was his teacher for-"  
  
" Oh, who cares, really. I'm the father figure, you're just backup, you know." Lupin glared at Sirius and turned to Harry.  
  
" I'm not your teacher anymore, Harry," Lupin said softly, but then his tone changed to a firm military style one. " But that means nothing. You will call me 'sir' at all times. And you will refer to me as Mr. Remus Lupin when speaking to other people, understood?" Harry looked aghast, but nodded. Lupin gave a curt nod and walked out the door, giving Sirius a very Malfoy'ish grin on his way out. Sirius swooned. Lupin smirked again. He still had the ol' Marauder charm. He, of course, didn't know Sirius had just seen one of Tonks's playgirls open itself up. Sirius regained consciousness and walked over to it, swatting cautiously at the air. His hand made contact with something. The force of the blow was barely enough to reveal a girl with black hair and pale eyes under an invisibility cloak, which had slid off.  
  
" Mommy! Mommy! Daddy hit me!" she cried as she ran out of the room. The door to the attic was slammed and Sirius paled slightly.  
  
" So... Harry..."  
  
" Crap. That girl was ugly." Harry said with a shake of his head. Sirius nodded.  
  
" That's what you get when you combine me with a Mary Sue. We just don't get along... Just ignore the not-so-higher-power's experiment." Harry, apparently not finding it odd that Sirius had his family hidden in the attic, sighed.  
  
" You know, I think you coming back will make it almost impossible for me to bond with Mr. Remus Lupin because now I don't need to use him as a replacement."  
  
" Well, you're not missing much. He snores and he's always bitchy in the morning. Come on. We have to go kill Ron... Er... fill. I meant fill! fill Ron...." Sirius corrected himself quickly. Harry gladly ignored the fact that the last statement made no sense.   
  
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Oh, lord. That just made very little sense. I swear I'm not on a sugar high, but it just... died. I write this mostly when I feel like it, so I might not continue it anymore. I mean, does anyone really want me to write the whole sixth year as a parody? I didn't think so. This story has been great for getting rid of my writer's block. Oh, wow, did you know 'rid' looses all meaning after you say it like 10 times? ^_^ Hm... cliches in this one... and things I made fun of:  
  
The 'Dumbledore is Harry's owl' theory.  
  
Mary Sues. ( But I hope Mary doesn't really sue. Lame one, I know! ^_^)  
  
"Please call me Remus, Harry."  
  
Harry falling in love with Sirius's daughter.   
  
The night Lily and James died.  
  
Hermione and Ron secretely dating. (I'm kinda against H/R shipping...)  
  
Sirius/Remus slash. ( I might poke fun at Harry/Sirius slash, which I don't agree with, in another chapter if I continue this story.)  
  
There were a few things in there... you know. Just things that weren't really made fun of, but were mentioned. Btw, I'm the not-so-higher power. Anyway, please try to take time to review because I took time to write. ^_^ Don't you just love being able to use that line on your readers, fellow authors?!?! 


	4. Reviving the story

From Behind The Veil  
  
By: Sailoranime  
  
Chapter 4- Harry's school things! They talk! (Not really)  
  
Dinner at Number 11, Grimmauld place was a fun affair. Unfortunately, Harry did not live in Number 11, he lived in Number 12 where dinner was about as fun as a tooth-pulling. If you were the person getting the tooth pulled out that is, not the person pulling it, who undoubtedly has a lot of fun. But that's not the point of this, now is it?  
  
But since nothing interesting happened other than the revelation of what happened on the Halloween Harry's parent's died, we'll skip dinner. Harry sat in his room, once again wallowing int he death of Hermione. There was a soft knock at his door.  
  
" Come in." Lupin peeked in.   
  
" You busy, Harry?"  
  
" No. Not really." Lupin cursed under his breath.   
  
" Oh... well, Harry... I have something I need to tell you." Harry looked up, expecting something that would break the monotony. Perhaps another prophecy?   
  
" Oh... well, go ahead." Harry answered tentavely. Lupin opened his mouth to speak when Sirius bounced into the room.  
  
" Harry. Ron got attacked by a big black dog looking-like thing in his room. We don't know how it got into the house, but everyone's still looking for m... er... it."  
  
Harry's eyes widened.  
  
" Is he okay?" he jumped up from the bed and ran to stand in front of Sirius. " Is he really badly hurt?"  
  
" No. He'll be fine, I... er... the thing didn't really have a good chance to get at him. Molly came in and interrup... stopped the attack." Harry looked at Sirius, and his eyes widened.  
  
" Sirius... a big black-" Sirius cut him off. With the expression of someone who had just been cornered, he pointed at Lupin and shouted.  
  
" He's your father, Harry! Remus is your father!" and with that, he ran out of the room. Harry was dumbfounded. You know, his usual state of mind with 'founded' after it. He turned to Remus.  
  
" But I look exactly like my dad-"  
  
" He's lying, Harry-"  
  
" It's imposible! I have his looks exactly-"  
  
" You're Sirius's kid! I'm tired of covering up for him-"  
  
" And we even have the same build-"  
  
" And then he told me. He told me: 'I messed up, Remus. I didn't know the baby spell would summon the stork! I thought it would turn her into a baby!'-"  
  
" And he left me his things and the gold-"  
  
" And I knew I should have told James! But he was so scared-"  
  
" And I look just like him-"  
  
" And I helped him hide it-"  
  
" And besides, I LOOK JUST LIKE HIM!"  
  
" I'm sorry, Harry! I never should have done it!"  
  
Lupin and Harry both looked at each other, confused. "What were you saying?" they both asked at the same time. They shrugged.  
  
" Oh, well, I have to go. Good night, Harry." Harry nodded and fake-yawned.   
  
" Good night, sir." Lupin just nodded curtly and walked out of the room. Harry waited a minute before leaving the room too. He took off to find Sirius and tell him his suspicions about Lupin being able to change into a werewolf at will and attacking Ron.  
  
Harry walked down the stairs. Silence. Sirius's voice pierced the silence.   
  
" Harry, you there?"  
  
" Yeah."  
  
" Okay, great." then his voice turned into a whisper. "Can you still hear me?"  
  
" Yeah." Harry answered.  
  
" Great."  
  
Harry frowned. What had that been about? It didn't take long to figure it out. Whispering soon reached his ears.  
  
" But Dumbledore!"  
  
" I'm sorry, Sirius. It can't be done."  
  
" A time turner? Would that work?"  
  
" Yes, but we're still left with the righeous anger issue."  
  
"Ack! That kid and his righteous anger! Kill off Hagrid, then."  
  
" Madame Maxine will sit on me if I do that."  
  
Harry grinned. Sirius was trying to convince Dumbledore to bring back Hermione. How convenient that he always overheard whole conversations!  
  
" Professor! Professor!" Harry ran down the rest of the stairs. " Professor!" When he reached the bottom he realized there was no one there other than Sirius.  
  
" Where'd Dumbledore go?"  
  
" Dumbledore? Dumbledore's not here."  
  
" But I heard him!"  
  
" You must be hearing things, Harry." Sirius said while scooping up Trevor from an old table and putting him in his pocket.  
  
" Oh. Okay. Sirius! I think Mr. Remus Lupin can become a werewolf at will now, and attacked Ron!"  
  
Sirius's face lit up! " I knew it! Yes, of course, Harry, it's Lupin's fault."  
  
And so Sirius ans Harry walked back up the stairs, happy. And harry's Monster Book of Monster ran by, screaming. " Cookie! Me want cookie! Give Monster cookie!" After all, this IS about Harry's talking school supplies!  
  
Oh, lord. This is just stupid. stupidity has run rampant! I swear, I have some really good ideas for this, but I can't just suddenly skip to that part. Oh. Crap. Wait, I can! This is a parody! *stupid grin* Okay, then if I write a next chapter, I'll just skip straight to that! But for now, review. Flames accepted. What happened to me? Ugh. The reason this took so long, not that you care, is because I forgot I killed off Hermione. I did this whole thing with Hermione in it, and then I had to rewrite it because Hermione is dead. I might bring her back. I don't know, it's going to be kind of hard to write a parody of 6th year without Harry's friends. Ron will live, as I think I mentioned before. So, yep. That's the story. 


	5. No name

From Behind the Veil  
  
By: Sailoranime  
  
I don't own the Harry Potter plot, characters, and other such things. I am merely borrowing them for a couple of hours a week so I can write something my fans will enjoy. Oh, and you guys, too. ^_~  
  
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BEFORE YOU READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Okay. Let me just say something. NOTHING IS SAFE. If there is a theory that you really like and will defend until your last breath, I'm likely to parody it. Not because I'm being mean, but because this is a parody and I will do every cliche if I can, because THAT is what this is about. I'm letting you know because now that I'm finishing up with the righteous anger issues I'll be going into typical HP theories, cliches, over-used plots, and anything else that occurs to me. If you want a little list of ALL things that are to come, check my LiveJournal. Oh, wait, I don't have one! ^_~ Nevermind. Nah. Actually, I might post a list if anyone asks, but I don't want to give too much away. Okay. Enjoy.  
  
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Chapter 5- Do I have to name all of them?  
  
~  
  
Harry woke up to screaming for the 9th morning that week. Nevermind that there are only 7 days in a week. Not really caring that Sirius daughter was making squeaky noises from somewhere while he was dressing, he started to plan out his day. He'd go have breakfast first. Then he'd go visit Ron, save someone's life, destroy some legendary creature, and break about 20 laws in the process. What a slow day!  
  
Sure enough, he'd done four of those five things by lunchtime. Lupin had eaten all the pancakes, so Harry had been left breakfast-less. And so at lunch Harry ate twice as much as he usually ate, thus, leaving Lupin lunch-less. After lunch, Harry noticed an odd thing. Lupin was drinking from a hip flask very frequently, like Moody. How very odd.   
  
" So, how's my little bo- Er... former student today?" Lupin asked Harry. Harry shrugged.  
  
" That legendary beast roughed me up a bit, but I guess I'm fine."  
  
" You did great work, son- er... I mean, Harry."  
  
" Thanks, sir. Where's Sirius?"  
  
" I dunno. I think this place has a rat problem, don't you? I keep hearing noises from the attic-" Lupin was cut off as Sirius bounced into the room.  
  
" Remmy! How's the flea problem?"  
  
" Sirius!" Lupin practically yelled. Because we know Lupin's always practical, so his yelling would be too.  
  
" What? Oh! You're still clinging to the little respect Harry has for you, Jam...er... Remus?"  
  
" Sirius, when are we going to Diagon Alley? We need my school supplies, and I hear there's a new really expensive broom out. D'you think I could have it?"  
  
" Sure. Why not?"  
  
Sirius patted Harry on the head and glanced at Lupin who was sewing his old robes together with his broken wand while his charmed scissors cut out coupons in the spot next to him. Sirius looked at him oddly.  
  
" Remus? Why are you cutting coupons?"  
  
" To save money, you dolt."  
  
" But why? I mean, you have a huge vault in Gringotts full of gold and at least 5 mansions in Europe alone." Lupin shrugged and picked up his raggedy old suitcase, to take it to his raggedy old shack full of his raggedy old robes and clothes. Harry looked at Sirius.  
  
" Why didn't they mahe HIM my godfather?" he asked resentfully.  
  
"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
" He has more money than you." Harry answered, as if it was the simplest things in the world. Of course, the simplest thing in the world is 1+1=2. But Harry doesn't know that.  
  
" Whatever. Come on, finish lunch so you can go change. Dumbledore's coming by later."  
  
" Why?"  
  
" I dunno. Some life-altering news. We could skip out on it if he hadn't posted 5 dementors at the door as guards."  
  
" Oh. Fine. I'll go get ready." he answered, ignoring the fact that some of his deadly enemies were at the door to the Order of the Phoenix Headquaters. He ran up the stairs and past a bathroom with an open door where he saw his father turning into Lupin after drinking from the hip flask, and into his room.  
  
************************  
  
" I'm sorry, Sirius." Dumbledore said softly. Harry sniffled.  
  
" So Sirius can't teach at Hogwarts?"  
  
" No. I'm afraid there are no positions available."  
  
" What about DADA? No one wants that job." Sirius whined. Dumbledore shook his head.  
  
" Nope. A troll showed up and offered to fill the position. There's nothing... unless...!" Dumbledore's eyes lit up.  
  
" Unless what?" Harry asked eagerly. Dumbledore looked slightly doubtful.  
  
" Well, he could take my place! Be headmaster." Sirius's eyes lit up.  
  
" Please! Let me have it! I'll be really good and responsible!" he said, giving Dumbledore his puppy dog look. Dumbledore shrugged.  
  
" Eh. Sure, why not?" Harry looked at them both, amazed.  
  
" Wow. That really worked, huh? Can I try that, Sirius?"  
  
" No! It's a patented look!" Harry's face fell.  
  
" Okay. Fine." And so Harry didn't try to puppy dog look. Oh, I'm sorry. The PATENTED puppy dog look. Sirius looked at Harry with a smile. He then put his hand on the side of his face that was facing Dumbledore and spoke, convinced that Dumbledore couldn't hear him.  
  
" Don't worry, Harry. I'll let you miss your classes and make them pass you, okay?" he asked with a wink. Harry grinned. With a great surge of energy, he jumped from the couch and into Sirius's lap and gave him a hug.  
  
" Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" he said, jumping up and down in Sirius lap like a 5 year old. Dumbledore looked greatly disturbed.  
  
" Uh, Sirius? Harry?" The jumping stopped, but Harry was still clinging to Sirius with a huge smile on his face.  
  
" Yes?" they both asked at the same time. Dumbledore gave them a meaningful look, and their expressions changed. Harry, looking very 'ew! ew! ew!', jumped off of Sirius's lap and let go of his godfather completely. Sirius's expression changed to disgust and he practically tossed Harry a few feet away, and off of the couch. Harry/Sirius shippers all over the world prepared their flames.  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
Why do I write short chapters? Well, I actually have an excuse here. People can only take stupidity in small doses. I must admit, writing this actually gives me a headache.And if anyone reads any of my other work, here's an update. (I'll be posting this on my profile too)  
  
Dwelling On (or is it 'in'?) The Past- Finished. Only list of thanks you's and stuff has yet to be posted.  
  
They Blame the Hero- Working on the Big Battle. Hopefully will be out next Friday.  
  
What Could Have Been- Trying to plan out chapter by chapter this time. Trying to make chapters longer than 25k. Presently, I am at 12k. Sorry, but I can't write that much! Hopefully, this will be out in 2 weeks. Hopefully. *crosses fingers*  
  
Don't rot your brain with pure fanfiction. Try reading something enlightening. For this chapter, I recommend 'A Tale of Two Cities'. Beautiful book. Made me cry. No Hp-related things, but still a great read. Or try 'Island of the Blue Dolphins'. I loved that book when I was a kid. I also used to like a movie called... uh... what was it again? I can't remember very well... 'The eyes of the Amarillas' or something like that? I can't remember what it was really about, but I absolutely loved it. I had it, but my stupid sister broke it. I know it had something to do with boats and the sea. If anyone can tell me what the name is, I'd love you forever and ever. And I would totally write a one-shot story for you if you wanted. Whatever you want! H/H shipping, H/R shipping, D/G shipping... you name it. Hell, even RL/SB shipping if you want. Let me know, 'k?  
  
Recommendations:  
  
Long book- A Tale of Two Cities  
  
Short book- Island of the Blue Dolphins  
  
Movie- Er... I think it's The eyes of the Amarillas or something like that.   
  
Fanfiction- Acquainted with the Night  
  
Okay. That's it. Any questions, flames, comments, flames, requests, or flames will arrive in my inbox if you use the review feature. ^_^ Well, that's it. Remember, nothing is safe!!!! ^_^ 


	6. Chapter 123456

From Behind the Veil  
  
By: Sailoranime  
  
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Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter plot, characters, and other such things. I am merely borrowing them for a couple of hours a week so I can write something my fans will enjoy. Oh, and you guys, too. ^_~  
  
AN: Okay, I'm taking a small break from my break. I really felt like writing this, so I had to. Still not sure when I'm coming back from my 'break'. Not that anyone cares, anyhow.  
  
********************************************************  
  
Harry sat in his room, contemplating his homework about time travel. His mind soon got stuck in the never-ending cycle of it. He wrinkled his nose and took out the time turner.  
  
" Screw that. I'll just copy off of Seamus." he concluded irritably. He took the time-turner out from under his pillow and threw it against the wall. A pearly-white figure rose from it.  
  
" I am the Wizard of Time. I can transport three people from the past and bring them to your present with no consequence. Make your pick within 30 seconds, or your lose this oppotunity." Harry, however, heard nothing of this. He was already very absorbed in a playboy that had somehow gotten under his shirt before he'd left Dung's room. And when he finally did look up, the pearly-white figure was gone.  
  
Harry sighed. He was very bored. He was about to get up, when his door opened. Sirius appeared at the doorway.   
  
" Harry?"  
  
" No, it's me, James." Harry answered sarcastically. Sirius's eyes widened.  
  
" James? I... you...?"   
  
Harry's eyes widened. He truly believed he was James? He was about to confess, when he had an idea. This could be a lot of fun.  
  
"Sirius! How dare you not talk to my son about me and Lily? He will forever live with that disgusting, although funny, image of me in Snape's pensieve!"  
  
Sirius grinned. "No, actually. I gave him the picture I took of you at your parents's house. You know, the one with you sitting on the toilet."  
  
Harry snickered. He had to admit, his perception of his father HAD changed when he'd seen the picture.  
  
"Anyway, how come I didn't see you guys when I died?" Sirius asked, sitting at the foot of the bed. Harry cursed under his breath.  
  
"Uh... well, you weren't supposed to stay dead, so they gave you the free trial version." Harry smacked himself mentally. What a crappy answer. It seemed to sound logical to Sirius, though, because he did not question him further.  
  
"Yeah... it figures. I liked the wild parties and all the different kinds of liquor, but I knew any heaven without yellow boxers was definitely not somewhere I wanted to go."  
  
Harry snickered. Yellow boxers? Sirius kept talking.  
  
" You know I walways had a thing for them. Remember when I jumped on Remus that time he wore yellow ones? I think he might have read into that a little too much. I swear I've seen him peeking at me while I'm showering..."  
  
"Sirius!" Harry screamed. "I'm an impressionable 16 year old boy! Don't talk to me about things like this!"  
  
Sirius looked shocked.  
  
" Harry? Harry! It's you! You'll never believe who I was talking to. Your dad!"  
  
" I thought YOU were my dad." Harry answered, confused. " That's what Mr. Remus Lupin said."  
  
Sirius shook his head. "No, I told you Remus was your dad."  
  
" But he said-"  
  
" Forget what he said!" Sirius answered, exasperated.  
  
"Okay, whatever. What's so amazing about you talking to Mr. Remus Lupin?"  
  
"No! I didn't talk to him! I talked to your dad!"  
  
" But you just said..."  
  
"Look, I'm not about to give you a straight answer for that question. You think I want to get all those Harry/Sirius, Harry/Remus, Harry/James son/father writers on my ass?" Harry shrugged.  
  
"Alright, you talked to James. But how? He's dead?" Harry answered with genuine puzzlement, having forgotten he'd pretended to be James.  
  
" I don't know... one minute he was here, and then..." Sirius shrugged, "Who cares? Anyway, I came to tell you we're going to Diagon Alley tomorrow, so get your stuff ready. I need to buy all my teaching supplies too."  
  
"But you're not teaching, you're going to pass off as Dumbledore."  
  
" Yeah... I know. I have to go buy some of that really cool growth potion he uses for his head and beard. Dumbledore's as bald as a... a... something bald." Sirius shrugged and headed for the door.  
  
" Wait!"  
  
" What is it, Harry?" Sirius turned around and looked at Harry expectantly.  
  
"Was my dad a seeker or chaser?" Harry asked timidly. Sirius laughed heartily and looked at Harry with a very amused expression on his face.  
  
" Was you father a seeker or a chaser? I expected you to know at least a little about your father."   
  
Harry lowered his eyes, ashamed.  
  
" So was he a seeker or a chaser?" he asked again. Sirius controlled his urge to laugh.  
  
" Neither... he was the towel boy." 


	7. Because there are only so many bright id...

From Behind the Veil  
  
By: Sailoranime  
  
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Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I'm not JK Rowling. Hell, I'm not even British!  
  
AN: Eh. I'll save them until the end.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry let out a deep breath after two Aurors walked right by his hiding place. After checking that they were really gone, Harry stood up again and moved towards the door that lead to the DoM. He tried the handle silently. The door opened. He sighed with relief. He walked in quickly, invisibility cloak still on, and closed the door behind him.   
  
It didn't take long for him to make his way to the circular room with the doors. He carefully walked towards one of them. It seemed to be calling him... The door opened before he'd even reached out to touch the handle. There it was. The Veil. He walked towards it, slightly afraid. It seemed to have taken him an eternity to reach it, but there he was, standing right in front of the wretched thing.  
  
He took out his wand, his eyes determined.  
  
"Give him back!" he pointed the wand at the veil.  
  
"I want him back! You can't have him! I miss him... Give me Sirius back!" The veil was still. Harry could hear voices from within, but they seemed to be unaware of the fact that he was threatening them. Without giving much tought to the fact that he couldn't hurt people who were already dead, he sent a spell at the veil. The spell went right through it.  
  
Harry threw himself on the floor, sobbing softly.  
  
"I only had him for 2 years! I need him back. Please..." he wiped his eyes, and looked at the veil, his anger returning.  
  
"GIVE HIM BACK!" Harry yelled, pointing the wand at the Veil.   
  
"Harry?" Sirius's voice asked softly.  
  
Harry's eyes widened. Had it worked? He looked around, searching for the the source of the voice. It was coming from his bag! Then his eyes widened again as he remembered Sirius was alive and well at Grimmauld place. Red with embarassment, he took the two way mirror out of his bag.  
  
"Yes, Sirius?" he did his best to hide his guilt and embarassment. Sirius's face appeared on the mirror.  
  
" Hey, Har. Where are you? We're supposed to go to Diagon Alley."  
  
Harry searched for a plausible answer.  
  
"I'm out picking flowers." he answered stupidly. Sirius shrugged.  
  
"Will you be home in an hour? We really need to go."  
  
"Yeah, sure. I'll be home soon."   
  
Sirius nodded, and his image disappeared from the mirror. Harry stuck the mirror back in his bag and looked at the Veil reproachingly.  
  
"You know, you could have said something before I spilled all my guts out." Not literally, of course.  
  
The Veil only swayed slightly, looking innocent. He stuck his wand in his back pocket, and prepared to sneak back out from the Ministry building when a thought struck him.  
  
"Accio!" he screamed, pointing his wand at the veil. Dung stumbled out of it.   
  
"Whew... thanks, 'arry. I've been waiting for someone to come get me... Sirius gave me the addresses of those girls, you see. But I knew there was somethin' wrong when-"   
  
Harry pushed Dung aside. "Yeah, okay. Accio!"  
  
Both twins walked out of the Veil.  
  
"That's the last time we trust you, Dung! Never again do we go look for merchandise on the other side!"   
  
George turned to Harry. "Thanks, mate. Didn't know how long we'd be there-"  
  
"Will you people just allow me to raise the dead in peace?" Harry asked, frustrated. Dung and the twins walked out, shrugging.  
  
"Accio..." Harry screamed again. "...Hermione." he added as an afterthought. He had to be very specific, it seemed. Nothing happned for a few seconds. Harry stood there, unsure of what to do. Perhaps Hermione did not want to come out... He was about to try again, when he heard the door open.  
  
"Harry!?" A familiar voice shrieked. Harry turned around, his wand in hand. Standing there, was Hermione.   
  
"Hermione...? Why didn't you come out of the Veil?"  
  
" Ah... that... er... well,.you see..." Hermione blushed. "Well, the Minstry decided I was really very smart, so they pulled me out, and now I work here. I do Fudge's work. He just does the signing stuff... but guess what! I convinced them to pay the house-elves here a galleon a month! Oh, isn't it wondeful, Harry?"  
  
Harry looked at her oddly. " So you've been alive, but you never bothered to contact us or anything? "  
  
"Oh, well, you know... I had orders. I mean, if you knew... righteous anger... all those other things..." Hermione answered pleadingly.   
  
"Well, are you coming back?"  
  
"I don't know... the righteous anger... what about that?"  
  
Harry sighed. "Well, that shouldn't be a problem anymore. I finally realized that him killing my parents is enough for me to want to kill him."  
  
Hermione sighed. "Alright, I'll come back. Just one question."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Can I copy your homework?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry looked at all the new brooms in Diagon Alley, but none we more expensive that the Firebolt. Disappointed, Harry walked away from the window to join Sirius and Hermione. The were sitting at a small table, neither one of them having finished their ice cream yet. Harry sat down, not quite sure if he wanted to join their conversation.   
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Did too!"  
  
"Did not!"   
  
"Did too!" Sirius finally yelled, hoping to end the mentally-stimulating discussion.   
  
'Nope,' thought Harry, 'I don't want to enter that argument.'  
  
There was quiet at the table for a few seconds, and then:  
  
"Did not." Hermione muttered under her breath. Sirius glared at her.  
  
"Did too!"  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Did too!"  
  
"Did too!"  
  
"Did not!" Sirius yelled. Hermione smirked. Sirius cursed as he realized he'd been tricked.  
  
"Kreacher did not deserve to die. He may not have been human, but he had feelings just like us." Sirius argued. It seemed instead of admitting defeat, he'd decided to defend his new position.   
  
"Exactly what I've been saying. House-elves have been mistreated for centuries."  
  
"There should be some sort of association to promote Elfish Welfare."  
  
Hermione's eyes widened, and she jumped out of her seat with excitement.  
  
" Sirius, join S.P.E.W., then! I've been planning-"  
  
" I don't care if you think it's a crappy idea, Hermione, I'm going to do it!"  
  
"I'm thinking about having some sort of-"  
  
"I'll name it A.P.E.W.!" Sirius went on, he'd also jumped out of his seat with excitement. "Association for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare!"  
  
Hermione stopped, slightly confused.   
  
"Sirius, you're just-"  
  
"And I'll charge two sickles for members to join." Sirius turned to Harry, ignoring Hermione's indignant splutterings. "Hey, you want to join A.P.E.W.? It's two sickles."  
  
Harry jumped out of his seat also. "That's a brilliant idea, Sirius! Of course I'll join." he handed Sirius two sickles, and Sirius handed him back a S.P.E.W. badge. Harry looked at Sirius, a slight frown on his face.  
  
"Sirius, why does it say spew?"  
  
Sirius looked at the S.P.E.W. badge. "Oh, they must have messed them up. I'll fix it right now." he took out his wand and pointed it at the badge. In a second, the S changed into an A. Sirius took out a whole box of S.P.E.W. badges, and changed them all to read A.P.E.W. He took the ox, and marched away from the table, going up to random people, thrusting the box in the their face. The terrified wizards and witches quickly took out money from the pockets, and handed it to Sirius. After successfully doing this several times, he returned to the table. The box had no more badges, and was filled with sickles. Harry could see people wearing the A.P.E.W badges all over Diagon Alley.  
  
"See, and I managed it all in less than half an hour." Sirius began, "And all thanks to my powers of persuasion."  
  
Hermione glared at him. "So it has nothing to do with the fact that you're an escaped, and extremely dangerous, criminal?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "It might have been a factor."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Okay, no headache! Weird, probably the first time that happens. Er... no notes. I'm trying to be better about updating, and this hadn't been updated in so long, so...   
  
Well, enough of that! Time for the shameless plug!  
  
Are you a fan of Sirius? Lupin? James? Or maybe even Peter? Well, we have the perfect place for you! Join Marauder Mayhem. http://www.neopets.com/guilds/guild.phtml?oid=sailor_melody  
  
We have weekly discussions, so there's always something Marauder-related to talk about. You can read some of our interesting theories for the next book, and meet other people who share your HP obsession. ^_^ And we have a nice little collection of links to Marauder fanfiction and Fanart. And let's not forget special events to honor the full moons! All of the exisiting council is active, and we need more active council members, so join today. (Or tomorrow, whenever you have time is okay, really.)  
  
Additional info and apologies: We are the only Marauder guild on neopets (that we know of, anyway.) And we do not completely ignore Peter. All the time, anyway. ^_^ 


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